form of: speedstick

one of my coworkers smells like they took a bath in deodorant.

brought to you by the letter f

today's workday is brought to you by Monster Magnet's album Powertrip. thirteen tracks of non-stop rocking will make the tedium of an office day move along just fine thank you.

and this article cracked me up. how often have you been to a museum and thought to yourself "man, wouldn't it be funny if someone tripped and broke this..."

and now it really happened. if it were me, i'm pretty sure that the museum would be trying to make me pay for all the shit i broke, then i'd be all like "dude, i drive a Daewoo - do you really think i have enough money to pay for priceless chinese vases?"

and they'd say yes.

and you know what completely rocks my socks? the fact that i work next door to the Wrigley gum factory. every day when i get to work it smells like juicy fruit.

don't ask

just click

http://www.ferryhalim.com/

what is that smell?

it seems to me that the smell of food heating in the microwave is a call to all office employees to come by and visit.  and should that food be italian, that is a call to all office employees to come by and be envious of the food that is heating.  it seems to me that no matter what type of italian food - home made spaghetti, lasagne or even chef-boyardee, that it grabs the attention of every cubicle dweller and sets the drooling to begin.

 

and then the questions... "how come you're eating a spaghetti and a peanut butter sandwich?"

 

why not?

blah blah blah

my right foot.

solar eclipse motherfucker

despite the cheapness of my camera, i very much dig how when you manage to get the sun in the picture that it blacks it out like a solar eclipse on a budget. this is from my workplace where i sit down and read my book at lunch time. pretty badass. i nature hideaway in industrial hell. one of the many things i dig aboot my new job.

clumsy ass

as a demonstration of how clumsy i generally can be, i will present today's list of idiocy:

• dropped cd player on peanut butter sandwich, covering the aforementioned cd player with peanut butter
• closed three MS Word documents without saving, losing several hours worth of (boring-ass) documentation work
• spilled half a bottle of apple juice on my desk, despite there being a lid beside the bottle which could have been put onto it to prevent thisw situation
• got suckered into (yet another) discussion on politics when all i wanted from the lunch room was a cup of tea.

but at least i somehow managed to extend my deadline for my current assignment by another three months (even though i only really need six weeks to do all the work).

an apple a day keeps the psychos away

coworker:  why do you always have two apples on your desk?

me:  i don't.

coworker:  yes you do, i can see them right there.

me:  well, i do now, but they won't be there forever.

coworker:  no, i know that, but you always bring two instead of one, why two?

me:  uuuhhh, so i can eat them.  when i eat, the hunger goes away.

that album's old enough to be in highschool now

today is time for my tribute to one of the best office-heavy metal albums you could possibly listen to. it's an album that is constantly upbeat (with the exception of the last song, which blows), has lots of bad words and makes you type faster.

this album is so good that i've gone through 4 copies of it - wearing each copy i had on tape out until i finally caved in and bought it on CD.

that's right - BOUGHT on CD. don't download this album - go out and buy it. it's worth it just for the album cover don't you think? i mean some guy got punched in the face for that picture - not so you could download the album, but so you could buy it.

that's not to say that you shouldn't download music. i'm one of the worst for downloading crap that i would never think of spending money on. but from the moment that Mouth For War starts up, right through into Fucking Hostile, and all the way to By Demons Be Driven you'll be thanking me for having told you to buy this one.

plus, you can't possibly tell me you don't want an album with a track called Fucking Hostile on it.

a slight tear in the fabric of time?

today was a fast drive to work, resulting in an earlier arrival than usual.  shortly after eight o'clock i managed to stumble my way into the office.  apparantly you need your security card to get into the building that early - today happened to be the second time i've ever even used it.  i grabbed my cup of coffee, sat down, and began plugging away at today's report load.

 

nine o'clock came and went with me still sitting head down into the computer screen, typing like a caffeine fueled secretary.  i realized something rather disturbing.  an odd quiet still sat in the office - somewhat unchanged since my arrival.  i popped my head up over the cubicle wall (i believe it's called "The Prairie Dog" in some corporate circuits) and realized that the only people in the office were the two people standing by the door who had been standing there talking to each other since long before my arrival.  the office was bare.

 

i checked the calendar - tuesday - a workday.  mid-january - no holidays to account for.  it was kind of like a cowboy movie.  clint eastwood rolls into town, all you can see are tumbleweeds, all you can hear is the eerie cowboy soundtrack alerting you to the lack of human presence.  a ghost town.

 

so i put my feet on my desk, cranked up my music and basked in the silence that can only come from a day where you aren't listening to people argue about why privatized health-care will ruin the country.

WTF?

oh my god. why?

mini-pop kids 2

as if there needed to be a first one.

this was a part of the 80s i tried SO hard to forget.

sea-monkey planet

my sea monkey tank. my last count placed about thirty ranging in age from about 10 days to about 2. i am seriously obsessed. i can watch these things ALL day. 

the 20th anniversary has come and gone

being that this has been movie week extraordinaire, one of the things i've done is re-watch a pile of movies from my youth.  one of today's adventures was Goonies (as if watching most of it on tv t'other day wasn't enough for one week).

it's a story of a group of dorky kids being chased by bank robbers and hunting for pirate's gold.

today i noticed what the pirate's name was:

One-Eyed Willy.

okay, how did it take me 20 years to notice that Goonies was a 114 minute dick-joke a-la Steven Speilberg?

turn up the good, turn down the suck

the colony of sea-monkeys that was birthed on my desk is now thriving. there are several large... uh... monkeys in the water and it seems that there is a whole swarm of babies now. i was worried earlier in the week because the last time i fed them i was worried i had killed them all - but the instructions say just wait. if you do that and they all die - they'll come back.

and they did.

so today i fed them again. not nearly as much as i did last time though so as to not overfeed them.

i'll admit, i've been obsessed with the little bastards. i could literally spend HOURS just sitting here, watching them swim. they're way more gooder than goldfish, and significantly less maintenance. and the cool thing is if they all die, all you have to do is let the water dry out, refill the tank and they'll come back to life again. how much does that rule?

k, i'm going to try to stop obsessing over my sea-monkeys now.

on the list for today's movie agenda... Fubar, The Meaning of Life, and possibly Death Becomes Her.

i watched a good picture last night - The Jacket. the story of a guy who gets injured in the Gulf war, is wrongfully convicted of a murder and thrown into a psychiatric hospital. there they carrie out some bizarre treatment techniques that send him forward in time (don't worry, nothing gorey - and oddly not dorky sci-fi at all). definitely worth the watch. if you're in Canada, it's on The Movie Network On Demand right now. otherwise, i'm sure you can pick it up at your local video shop for a reasonable price.

in a state that has a reputation for electing professional wrestlers....

sometimes i wish i lived in minnesota.  first they elect former WWF great Jesse "The Body" ventura, and now this - coming soon to an electoral ballot near you (if you're in minnesota) is a former wrestler and self-proclaimed Vampire.

 

and i love what his policy on executions will be...

 

"Sharkey also pledged to execute convicted murders and child molesters personally by impaling them on a wooden pole outside the state capitol."

 

now that's fuckin' gold yo'

black like my soul

to the lady working at the tim horton's this morning with the bee hive and too much make up:

 

when i tell you i would like a large black coffee, that is not a secret code for large double-double.  there wasn't any implied meaning, hidden agenda or ingenious puzzle for you to solve - just a coffee with nothing in it except for coffee.

 

to the idiot who hid my wallet on the floor of my apartment (me):

 

you knew that by leaving the wallet there that the cats would see it as a toy, play with it and leave it somewhere retarded - what possessed you to leave it there?  do you know you could have gotten a $100 ticket for driving to work without it yesterday?  and how did you not notice that it wasn't in your pocket when you left yesterday?

we'll go anywhere, we ain't yellow

i think this has been movie week extraordinaire. so far on the list...

• Carwash
• Blade Runner
• Brain Candy
• Lone Wolf and Cub: Sword of Vengence
• Dinner at Fred's
• Highway 61
• Monty Python and the Holy Grail
• The Life of Brian
• Beetlejuice
• Big Fish
• Double Suicide
• The Tin Drum
• Goonies
• Mars Attacks

I have a feeling that if i really try hard i can hit 20 by saturday. w00t.

very interesting and slightly disturbing

most people are relatively fond of dr seuss.  i'd definitely consider myself to be a long-time fan, but never would have caved in on the "try green eggs and ham" conversation.

 

some people - not so much.

today is random day

• hey you - in the BMW this morning on the Gardiner expressway near Ellis Ave - i saw you picking your nose.
• every day i hear the phone ring while i'm sitting at my desk at work, typing away at code with my headphones on.
• every day, it is not my phone that rang.
• i read the same page of my book 5 times last night in trying to get past page 50, but i was way too tired.
• peanut butter sandwiches on 12 grain bread rule my school.
• this week i've spent far too much time listening to Stephen Lynch this week.  i'm fuckin' craig - craig christ
• there's a roll of lifesavers on my desk.  it has been there since i started working and i don't know where it came from.
• i totally yanked the Insert key off my keyboard.

you're not a plate of croissants

since yesterday's movie watching was filled with bad, bad movies today i decided to only watch good movies. oddly enough, they were all canadian movies too.

first i watched a film called Highway 61 starring the great and mighty Don McKellar (remember how much Twitch City ruled?). it's an odd tale about a barber in small-town northern ontario (one small enough that they refer to Thunder Bay as "the city") who gets mixed up with a woman from a metal band trying to smuggle drugs to New Orleans while being pursued by a man who thinks he's satan trying to claim the dead body they're transporting.

it's a fun movie - certainly not an academy award winner, but definitely worth hunting down in your local library. which is what i did.

then came Brain Candy. i don't think i need to go too much further than to say that this is one of the best movies that ever existed. some of the finest work that the Kids in the Hall ever put together. 10 years later and i'm still waiting for the follow-up to this, though the other films i have slated for the rest of the day (Dinner at Fred's, Dog Park) all involve other Kids in the Hall.

perhaps i will also partake in some Katamari. Katamari is fiendishly addictive.

there can be only one ... or 3 and a mini-series

once upon a time, when the earth was still green, i remember watching a movie called highlander. being still quite a young age, i remember thinking "wow, what a cool movie - sword fights, immortality, heads getting chopped off."

i never watched any of the sequels, despite their abundance. i was never really sure as to why since i enjoyed the first movie in the series so much. could have something to do with the fact that even Sean Connery couldn't hide the fact that Christopher Lambert was the lead actor in that film, horrible acting skills, cro-magnum forehead and all.

i was at the library today and saw it sitting there on the shelf all by itself.

well, not quite all by itself. there were plenty of other movies there - but i could tell this one had been neglected for some time.

so i picked it up, resisted the temptation to run out the door and try to sell it on ebay, and checked it out.

and watched it.


why couldn't somebody have warned me. just because something is cool before you turn 10, doesn't mean it will be cool significantly afterwards. contained within this film were some of the most poorly co-ordinated sword fights, worst dialogue and most horrible actors the world has known.

and oddly it spawned several sequels and a TV series. but i suppose the same can be said for Police Academy (which i've heard is coming back for a 10th installment).

so in short, i would recommend that nobody watch highlander sober, at least until they remake it with some decent actors and actually pay someone to write a script for it, rather than just let the actors wing it.

now i'm going to go watch the Hilarious House of Frightenstein.

a federal erection

i got a voter registration card in the mail (confirming my suspicion that the government DOES in fact know where i live - i knew i shouldn't have done my taxes). i'm debating actually voting for the first time in nearly ten years but have stumbled upon a minor roadblock - we have three main parties - the idiots, the retards and the dipshits. who do you vote for when you don't believe in your countries political structure?

perhaps one of the alternatives...

• Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada
• Green Party of Canada
• Christian Heritage Party of Canada

fuck these people suck. i think i should probably just end up voting communist.

chipping away at debt, one penny at a time

i wanted to try to pay off my credit card debt this way, but i just didn't have any pennies.

 

i love that his credit card statement ended up being 32 feet long.

man shoots off finger, faces weapons charges

and people wonder how i could be opposed to owning weapons.

you think i'm gonna make lemon chicken at 3am?

i wish that after making my dinner that ho-lee chow would come by and take out my garbage.

i think that costs extra though.