welfare bum

Successfully missing the point since 1977.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

the great chocolate swap


it seems to me that the christmas that has just recently passed must have been the christmas of chocolate.  i think that at some point old Saint Nick must have fired all of the elves that were employed in the toys and electronics divisions of the santa claus sweat shop and replaced them with chocolate making elves.
 
he did that before, you know.  from what i've been told (and my sources are always impeccable) santa claus can be quite harsh as an employer.  a source, who will remain nameless for protection of his/her identity, confided in me that occasionally santa will show up at some point after his thanksgiving binge of hennessy and johnny walker blue label and start throwing elves out the door.
 
literally.
 
santa just walks in, his cheeks rosy from cognac, his belly shaking while he laughs his demonic laugh like a bowl full of whiskey, and picks up the nearest elf and heaves him out the door.  sometimes there'll be a brief revolt.  the elves will unite and take him down, piling aboot thirty or forty of their tiny bodies on top of him to stop santa's holiday rage, but once it's over santa sobers up he remembers only the elven revolt and sends them packing to the keebler unemployment line.
 
i was told once that PETA tried to get involved to stop the slaughter and torture of innocent elves, but even a drunken santa is too quick for their games.  i've been told that he has a fully functional cloaking device up there at the north pole which hides his slave labour elf-filled factories from the NORAD radar system.  white house sources even revealed last christmas that the war on Iraq was really just a cover for a search for santa's factories - but the George Bushes were never that strong in geography.
 
so this year in lieu of toys and electronics, santa handed out an abundance of chocolate.  the toy factory has been closed for the season until more elves can be bred to replenish the ranks and begin a new year of elf-slave labour and torture.

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