welcome to costco. i love you.

have i ever mentioned that the woman that sits in the office behind me checks every voicemail and makes/takes every phone call on speakerphone?

 

because if i haven't, then i should.  it's horrendously annoying.  and she always leaves her office door open so that all of us out in the cubicle farm can hear everything that's going on.

 

she's quite the beast of a woman too.  a little pudgy, a little old and a voice that could grate parmesan cheese.  she's got beady little eyes that try to hide behind expensive-but-not-stylish glasses and short blond hair that looks like it was coloured with javex (i'm sure it's proper colour is either grey, charcoal, or just plain awful - whatever colour satan's ass-hairs are).  she's a manager here and i think she's been an employee of the company for like 20 years or some shit.

 

and if the aforementioned things weren't bad enough - she sneezes so loud that you can easily hear her even in the rare instance when she does close her office door.  it's like she projects the sneeze with her manly, bellowing voice so that the others of her species can hear her call.

 

what's really funny though, is that while on one of these seamlessly never-ending speakerphone calls she'll belt out a few of these sneezes.  sometimes two or three in a row.  my very scientific and educated guess would be because her species is dwindling in numbers and she needs that call to be heard across the continent.

 

on top of it all she's got the holier-than-thou office manager attitude, like somehow by the grace that she has the word "manager" in her job title, that makes her superior to all others not just from a employer-employee standpoint, but with everything else in life.  she's got a bad case of one-upping-you syndrome - like if you've got a bmw 3-series, she's got a 5-series.  if you've got two meetings scheduled for the afternoon, she's got three.

 

every day i put on my headphones in an attempt to drown out her manly hollering voice, but the volume on my iPod only goes so loud and with a somewhat damaged auditory system it's difficult for me to go great lengths of time with my headphones on.

 

you know, she's the only person on my floor that locks her office door.  i'm not sure if there's some sort of reasoning behind that, but even the finance people don't go to that extent.  she will even lock her door when she's going out for one of her 15 smoke breaks every day (which make her smell wonderful).

 

and don't get me started on shoulder pads.