welfare bum

Successfully missing the point since 1977.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

and now for something completely different...

first of all, anyone with a weak stomach should go read my post aboot left-handed snails.

i have a large orange fluffy cat. he's not fat or anything, just a giant cat. rather stupid too. he often finds him self lost in the hallway of my two bedroom condo. it's a pretty good sized condo, but certainly not large enough to lose oneself.

but getting lost isn't the only mentally challenged thing that happens to my orange cat. for some utterly bizarre reason whenever he uses the litterbox to go for a poop he comes running out more hyper than you could possibly imagine. it's almost as if the turds he's let build up for the day have been pressing down not only on his bowels, but also on the hyper-activity-release mechanism which my lie somewhere between his stomach and his inner ass.

the only warnings you'll get for these onsets of hyper activity disorder are the digging noise of in the litter box, two quick meows and the sound of a 20 pound cat leaping from the litter box into the curtains in the solarium.

"TRUCK!!!" i'll shout (i'm sure the neighbours can attest to that), "GET OUT OF THE GOD DAMN CURTAINS!!"

and he does - but the hyper activity doesn't end there. next on the list is the attempt to scratch the couch (about which i am already aware and can now prevent) - then the wicker basket full of my winter stuff.

"GOD DAMNIT TRUCK WILL YOU PISS OFF!!" is generally among the next string of obscenities that will stream from my mouth, which is then followed by the sound of orange fluff leaping off to attempt more ... more badder things. doubleplusungood i believe George Orwell would have said. it's almost as though pooing is the same for cats as too much caffeine is for humans. wait, not caffeiene - but cocaine.

thankfully he will usually find his spring at this point and will chase it off into the hallway, find himself lost and start to cry.

"MEOW. MEOW. MEOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW" is the sound of a lost idiot cat in a mississauga condominium.

"truck. come here" is my follow up. at this point the disturbance in the force is now over. the bowels of the orange fluffy one have been evacuated and the dark side has removed itself from his being. he is calm now, and begins to understand that something happened - but he's not sure what.

and he won't be sure until the next time he craps.

and it all begins again.


  • At Sun Mar 26, 11:41:00 AM, Blogger golfwidow said…

    Perhaps something is irritating his bum when he poos, and the crazycat behavior is his reaction to the irritation - that would explain why it stops after a few minutes.

    As for his getting lost in the condo, I can't help you. My late cat used to be sort of special-needs himself and was always getting disoriented.

  • At Mon Mar 27, 06:53:00 AM, Anonymous helen said…

    Solarium? Are you living in the future in Canada? I thought we Europeans were at least six or seven hours ahead of you guys. What's a solarium? Should I get one?

    Funny story by the way. Maybe it's a throwback to his kittenhood - you know how kittens get that crazy-half-hour about 7.30 in the evening? Perhaps some sort of scatological half-memory... Maybe therapy is required.

  • At Mon Mar 27, 11:29:00 AM, Blogger mmat said…

    hahaha. i wish it were some futuristic room with star trek-like doors and robots that served up beer and cookies. but alas, it is only a room with big windows that would be a balcony if it were a normal apartment building, but because condo owners don't like to go outside they built that functionality into the indoors.

  • At Tue Mar 28, 09:57:00 AM, Anonymous helen said…

    Mmm, inside good, outside bad; I think I will get one.


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