whatever gave you that impression

does every office have one of these?

 

it seems to me that no matter where it is that i've worked - all the way back to mcdonalds in high school - there's always one guy who sucks everyone he speaks to into a long-winded boring-ass conversation about the most retarded things.

 

there's one of these guys at my new office.

 

and there was one of those conversations this morning.  about caching mechanisms for .NET web applications.

 

and apparently, despite my obvious lack of large-scale software development experience, i've somehow managed to gain a reputation at my office as a person strongly versed in such technologies with a wealth of information to share.  the key to doing this is to just keep nodding, using big technology buzz words and act like you've been doing this forever.

 

oh, and try the Sumatra blend coffee.  it will fill your belly with warm caffeinated goodness.

best error message ever

i love that the firewall that comes built-in with Windows XP blocks the browser that comes built-in with Windows XP.

let's hear it for blocking Internet Explorer.

the great chocolate swap

it seems to me that the christmas that has just recently passed must have been the christmas of chocolate.  i think that at some point old Saint Nick must have fired all of the elves that were employed in the toys and electronics divisions of the santa claus sweat shop and replaced them with chocolate making elves.

 

he did that before, you know.  from what i've been told (and my sources are always impeccable) santa claus can be quite harsh as an employer.  a source, who will remain nameless for protection of his/her identity, confided in me that occasionally santa will show up at some point after his thanksgiving binge of hennessy and johnny walker blue label and start throwing elves out the door.

 

literally.

 

santa just walks in, his cheeks rosy from cognac, his belly shaking while he laughs his demonic laugh like a bowl full of whiskey, and picks up the nearest elf and heaves him out the door.  sometimes there'll be a brief revolt.  the elves will unite and take him down, piling aboot thirty or forty of their tiny bodies on top of him to stop santa's holiday rage, but once it's over santa sobers up he remembers only the elven revolt and sends them packing to the keebler unemployment line.

 

i was told once that PETA tried to get involved to stop the slaughter and torture of innocent elves, but even a drunken santa is too quick for their games.  i've been told that he has a fully functional cloaking device up there at the north pole which hides his slave labour elf-filled factories from the NORAD radar system.  white house sources even revealed last christmas that the war on Iraq was really just a cover for a search for santa's factories - but the George Bushes were never that strong in geography.

 

so this year in lieu of toys and electronics, santa handed out an abundance of chocolate.  the toy factory has been closed for the season until more elves can be bred to replenish the ranks and begin a new year of elf-slave labour and torture.

who knew Hilary Duff even had a greatest hits album?

over the years, it seems to me that far too much time is spent on the most essential albums of the year.  everyone has an opinion of which album is the best, which one i should buy and in reality i honestly don't give two shits about which album i *should* buy.

 

this list, however, is much more gooder.  the Least Essential Albums of 2005 tells me which albums i can bypass when i'm walking aimlessly through the record stores.  it lets me know what crap is available to me and lets me know that i don't need to bother spending money making these people wealthy for yet another bad album.

i'll.. i'll burn down the office

today i realized, as i was standing at the coffee machine of wonders, that there is a guy in my office who is EXACTLY like Milton from Office Space. same glasses, same lisp and quiet demeanor, pocket protector, mumbles. it rules. i'm just hoping that nobody takes his swingline stapler because then we're all in trouble.

oh, and the coffee machine of wonders... let me tells you aboot the coffee.

does 13 flavours of coffee sound like it kicks ass? how about 5 kinds of tea and 3 kinds of hot chocolate? i think that dwells somewhere in between more gooder and killer.

and it's free.

the rapid decline of teaspoons

research proved that teaspoons were an essential part of office life and the rapid rate of disappearance proved that this was under relentless assault

 

um, k.  what about cases where there were sugar packets and stir-sticks?  hmmm?  didn't think aboot that one now did they.

happy santa

temporarily offline for christmas.

Google-soft?

and people say that Microsoft is creating a monopoly - Google has recently purchased a chunk of AOL and will be starting to integrate their users into network.

 

how long until google buys Microsoft and decommissions its shitty software?

orange eye-sicles

how is it that every time i peel an orange i manage to shoot myself in the eye with orange juice?

 

probably got something to do with how much i rule.

just in case

if, for some reason, you thought it was a good idea to drink the water from the mug that's been sitting on your desk since friday, and it's tuesday now - don't.

 

just thought i'd lend that tidbit of advice.