welfare bum

Successfully missing the point since 1977.

Monday, October 31, 2005

great for a snack

what rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs, and over the neighbour's dog?

the most tired joke in the universe

i work at a company that has a rather large call-center/helpdesk/tech support division and in the last couple of days, one of the helpdesk teams decided to pick up and move over to my section of the office.  up until last week i was literally the only person within a 15 cubicle radius, but now i have 17 people sitting within spitting distance that all answer between 30 and 50 phone calls a day.  this sucks hard if you have a job like mine that requires a certain level of concentration.

there's one guy who sits near me though who answers the phone with the same wise-crack joke EVERY FUCKING TIME he answeres the phone.  not just once in a while, but every goddamn time he answers the phone and after the client identifies themself he replies with "and you're calling because everything's fine and you're having a great day?"

i'm sure that for the occasional end user this might be a funny thing, but being that it's only 9am and i've heard him say this about 12 times this morning, i think strangulation is in order.

Friday, October 28, 2005

online pharmaceutical sterile turds

i've noticed a pattern in my junk mail. seems to me that it's the only one that Outlook ever seems to catch any more.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

a musical adventure to the office

"when i'm in my car, don't give me no crap..."

"... the violent femmes take all their equipment on the bus ..."

"... here they come... the boys in the bright white sports car..."

"... waving their arms in the air... who do they think they are?"

"consider this an invitation to my gangsta nation..."

"we came here to entertain you, leaving here we aggravate you - don't you know it means the same to meeeee..."

"first you limp to the side like your leg was broken..."

and that was my trip to work in a nutshell.

well a daewoo actually, but pretty much the same thing.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

superman is a dick?

special thanks to b3ta for pointing out this gem...


dozens of superman comic covers and pages - but all the really really ridiculous ones that i'm sure we all saw at some point and decided it best not to buy that issue when we wuz kids.

i especially dig the Examples of Superdickery.

we're putting the new cover-sheets on all the TPS reports BEFORE they go out

so if you could go ahead and *try* to do that from now on, that'd be greaaat.

this sucks

photo stolen from yahoo news

now taking applications

i've determined that i'm now at the point in my career where i need an executive assistant - you know, someone who will fetch me coffee, tea, juice, get my papers from the printer and all that types of stuff.

well, maybe not necessarily at the point in my career, but the point in my office.  i mean come on - the lunch room is all the way on the other side of the building - that's like 35 feet away.  and the printer?  don't even get me started.  that's on the other side of my cubicle wall - JUST OUT OF REACH.  and what about when the printer's out of paper?  i can't be expected to do that kind of labour in my condition*.

* -- mmat's severe medical condition is easily defined here.

Monday, October 24, 2005

the ultimate battle of good vs. evil

i've been drinking pre-poisoned water for years, and have just found out where it's been coming from - the ongoing battle between the good water tower vs. the evil water tower.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

eyes without a face

okay, sundays on TLC completely kick my arse. tonight's line-up for example...

Girl with the X-Ray Eyes
Born Without a Face
The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off

how much does that frickin rule.

i think that the new show Tuckerville is going to blow dead goats though. i think i've kind of gotten tired of the "famous person reality show". three seasons of the Osbournes was aboot one season too many. that Gotti show makes me want to slap those kids and the robbie kneival asswipe show made me want to barf hot flu-like bile.


Thursday, October 20, 2005

how wrong could it possibly be?

being that i am in fact a member of that which could be labeled as "corporate canada," i do happen to drink coffee and tea at my desk on a regular basis. and as it stands, i am also a employed by a rather small company (less than 150 people) that happens to only just be on the brink of making a profit. i thought to myself - i generally drink at least one cup of coffee or tea every day - multiply that by about 25 for the number of days i might work in a month and multiply that by the number of months in a year (12 by my last count, but i have been known to be wrong about these types of things before) and that adds up to a lot of wasted styrofoam cups. probably enough to insulate a small home.

or a trailer or RV at least.

but anyways, this thought has come to my mind before and in the past i've bought coffee mugs only to see them go completely missing - not on anyones desk, not mangled in the dishwasher - nowhere. this leads me to ask one important question:

if a coffee mug sits in the dishwasher for more than two weeks, does that give me the right to use it so long as i don't actually claim to own it? i mean if anyone asked for it, i'd give it back. and if it goes missing - who cares? not my mug.

maybe i'm just following in the footsteps of so many other corporate mug theives before me.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

sandwiches are beautiful, sandwiches are fine

i got two sandwiches in my lunch today. bet you didn't.

lemon flavoured kool

sometimes i keep a lemon on my MS Project plan - just in case of emergency

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

inflatable blasphemy

Monday, October 17, 2005

wicked witch of the west yo

i love that even in the case of natural disaster that people still have a sense of humour.

if i had a house (rather than living in codo hades) i would totally consider doing this kind of thing for halloween. i wonder if the kids would get it?

Saturday, October 15, 2005

crown of worms

i love this picture - jesus with a crown of worms and a megadeth t-shirt. blasphemy rules. Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

uh, yeah

okay, so tonight i'm at work a little later than usual.  just late enough, in fact, to be able to see the crazy maintenance people.  so i sits here at my desk, typing away and notice the maintenance lady come up with her magical cart of cleaning supplies.  dozens of bottles of cleaners - with brand names and without - lined in a neat and tidy order.  two mops and two brooms protruding from the side, cleaning cloths draped over the edge,and a large garbage can in the center.

she approaches my desk with caution (understandable - i am quite a shady character, or so i've been told), reaches in to the garbage can, and pulls out (with her bare hands i might add) the two day old coffee cups that have two day old coffee in them and a day old orange peel and tosses them into the cart's garbage hole.


the real question...

from what i can figure, the question should not really be "how did that monkey quit smoking? " but "why the fuck was that monkey smoking anyways, and who kept buying the cigarettes for it?"

6 in the morning, cops at my door

though it may be somewhat insane to be awake at this hour...

never mind.  too brain dead to finish that statement.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

cleaning my bike

so i broke down and finally bought a new can of WD-40 yesterday.  i k now that somewhere in my apartment there should be a can that's only been used once, but after spending several hours of my life trying to hunt it down, i figured that i could just shell out the extra $4 to just buy a new one.

i decided that i was sick of the gears on my bike not shifting properly, so i took the aforementioned can of WD-40 and promptly proved to myself and the world that i cannot be trusted when it comes to repairing semi-mechanical things.  the first thing i think is "spray the WD-40 on anthing that moves to make it move better."  makes sense right?  well, i'm just unco-ordinated enough to get that little red straw thing stuck where the pedals turn.  and no, it couldn't just get a little bit stuck so i could yank it out - no, i had to cut it out.  so now there's a little piece of that red straw thing stuck in my bike forever.

i rule so much it hurts sometimes.