welfare bum

Successfully missing the point since 1977.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

maybe it's just a rinse cycle

okay, the other day when i said that there was a cleaning lady who comes in and washes the office dishes, i was wrong.  when the dishes pile up in the sink, she rinses most of the big chunks off and piles them in the dish tray.  SOOO, not only are the dishes still quite dirty and covered with icky germ-ness, but the dish tray itself is a pit of disgusting bacteria.
wonderful.  and THIS is the reason why i'm borderline obsessive about washing my coffee mug - with paper towels rather than the dish sponge that's sitting there.  kind of reminds me of that clorox commercial where the woman starts wiping down her fridge with a piece of raw chicken.

the top notch of the block cuz i carry a glock

i absolutely love the dirtbag nature of the neighbourhood where i work.
or wait, no i don't.  in the 6 or so years i've worked here there's been at least a half-dozen shootings and a long list of sexual assaults.  there was even a period of time when there was a policy at my old office that stated that female employees weren't allowed to leave the building because the boss was afraid for their safety (or, if i know him right, was more afraid of a potential lawsuit rather than the safety of his employees).
at least this incident was a couple of blocks from my building.  a couple of years back there was a shooting right across the road.  a friend of mine lived at that building and said when he left for work in the morning that the cops/emergency crews were just cleaning up the blood off the front steps.  nice.
and you'd think that in a neighbourhood like this that i'd either be a social worker or run a convenience shop (or gun shop maybe?), but alas, i write reports and do some low-end software development for a property management and consulting firm.  luckily on the right side of the train tracks.

Monday, February 27, 2006

eau de toilet

someone in my office smells like feet.
like REAL bad.
and i can't figure out where it's coming from.  it seems to be stronger towards the northern end of the office, but that's logical largely because that's where most of the people sit.
why can't it smell good - like fresh ground coffee, or donuts, or bacon?  cuz those are good smells, and feet - no.  feet are not good smells.  unless they've been washed obsessively.

boot in the ass for a slap in the ass

some people are trying to say that the punishment of 4 years house arrest for the drive-by slap on the ass is too harsh.  personally, i think that if you're retarded enough to think of trying something like that, bring on the insane punishment.  i'm not entirely sure what would possess you to do something like that.  i mean, he wasn't starring in a movie (well, maybe he will after he sells the rights to Steven Speilberg) or something like that - he was just being a retard.
so let the lesson be learned - if you're an idiot and you get caught - be prepared to pay for being an idiot.  i'm sure if he'd asked permission first it may not have been as big a deal.
but then i s'pose he could have been charged with harassment, riding around on his bike asking women if he could slap their asses.  really, that isn't any less dumb than actually doing it.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball

i realized recently that anyone who has ever enjoyed a Ben Stiller movie MUST watch Dodgeball. Aside from featuring some of the most ridiculous jokes and humour in bad taste, some of the celebrity cameos are just golden - William Shatner, Chuck Norris, and the dude that played Booger in Revenge of the Nerds. and i'm pretty sure that any movie that gives that guy a chance has GOT to be good (okay, i have been known to be wrong, but trust me this time).

and you know what's really disgusting? the sound of two cats eating a bowl of wet-food. sometime you should feed your cat some wet-food and make sure there isn't any other noise interfering and just listen. it's almost like some sort of creepy slimy horror movie sound effect. like in a movie about some weird alien creatures (cats) that feed on human brains (i'm pretty sure that's what wet-food really is).

Friday, February 24, 2006

i'm part of the problem

seems like i'm getting tons of click throughs for my t-shirt idea, but nobody's actually buying quite yet. personally, i'm a big fan of this one...

this is one that i always wanted to wear into an executive meeting at my old company. i think some of the executives might have agreed with it - maybe that's why they laid me off.

somebody in my office has been coughing for literally 4 minutes straight - no joke, i've been counting. and it's one of those "i'm choking on my coffee" type coughs. you know the one, you're in the middle of talking to somebody and start coughing, your eyes start watering, your face turns red - and rather than trying to make yourself not cough, you sit there trying depsparately trying to finish your sentence before that brilliant thought, the one that was so awesome it made you forget how to swallow, disappears from your mind.

i found out at the last minute that three of my assignments can't actually be completed because, yet again, i have to wait for someone else to make changes to the database structure. the really difficult thing about needing to wait for someone else is that in this company i'm working for, everyone is so relaxed. i'm still on my old company's schedule of "why wasn't this finished yesterday?" i'm not used to the idea of saying "i'm not sure how long it will take, give me a couple of days to get back to you." i'm sure i can get used to it though.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

it was like Godzilla vs. Mothra motherfucker

today i became the hero of the office. i killed a large flying beetle. i grabbed my mighty kleenex and crushed its mighty insect body.

then i opened the kleenex and looked inside.

its guts were blue.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

if the women don't find you hansome, they should at least find you handy

i was looking in the rear view mirror and noticed an angry man.  he was sitting in his car, in the driver's seat, driving behind me.  i looked down at my speedometer and noted the 20 km/h more than the posted limit i was driving and looked back into the mirror.  the fury this man was displaying was one that i'm sure is similar to the fury i myself display when caught in traffic behind some old lady that thinks the speed limits were lowered to half.
as an opportunity occurred, i pulled into the right hand lane to let this angry man pass by.  i knew that there would be a police radar trap not too far off in the distance, so i thought it would be nice for him to be able to figure that out on his own, rather than have me get in the way of his discovery.
while he was passing by, i noticed something.  i'm pretty certain that the duct tape content of his car was pushing 50%-60%.  both bumpers, the passenger side windows (front and back), various pieces of the door - all held together by duct tape.  it was like something off of a Red Green episode.  must have been in a hurry to get home before the car fell apart.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


is it just me, or does anyone else think the idea of a 62 year old lady giving birth is a little bit ridiculous and disgusting?

my major problem with the whole thing is that when you do the math by the time that child is thinking about college his mother is going to be 80 (assuming, of course she's still alive and spitting out kids like a mutant senior citizen). i'm gonna put money on her not seeing 70 roll around. having kids in your 60s can't exactly be good for your health. it's not supposed to happen. that's why nature generally prevents the human body from being able to reproduce beyond a certain age.

oh, and i love the picture eh? just that spaced out "duuuuuhhhhh, did i just have a kid?" look. great job camera-dude. you know the right time to push that button.

Monday, February 20, 2006

dolphins are stupid

apparantly dolphins aren't as smart as you think.  reminds me of an old episode of South Park ... "you shouldn't have done your paper on dolphins, dolphins are stupid."

Friday, February 17, 2006

strange things are afoot in Germany

Thursday, February 16, 2006

someone drank my apple juice

so after an excessively mild winter, we seem to have had some snow today in the GTA.  i'm not going to complain about the snow though.  we, as canadians, should expect there to be snow during this time of year.  the fact that there's been even a single day with a temperature above 0 is borderline miraculous in itself.  what i don't understand is how with less than 2 inches of snow that ALL of the buses for the greater Toronto area.  today it took me about 45 minutes to get to work, and considering that last thursday it took me 90 minutes and there was no snow at all, that should be an indication of how much everyone is a big sissy in the snow.  come on people, we're canadians here.  snow is our heritage.  and why the hell should i be one of 5 people at work today because everyone else was too much of a wuss to drive.
and another thing, this here is amazing.  such patience, such effort.  i can't imagine actually being able to accomplish that feat.
i'm thinking about having some sort of contest around people buying tshirts through my site, so let me know if you actually do end up buying one because it could end up winning you something totally amazing and cool.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

a day of discovery

today i discovered...
  • that eating crunchy food with your headphones on makes the crunching noise REALLY loud in your head
  • that you can only do so much to finish the tasks you're working on when other people haven't done the work you need them to do
  • that many people will buy a pre-made pie from the grocery store, heat it in the oven and claim they "baked a pie"
  • that people will choke down this awful pie and praise the person who "baked" it as an amazing chef

Monday, February 13, 2006

lesson one - work when other people are working

it seems to me that i'm entirely incapable of finding the right time to question other people about the data requirements for the reports i'm working on.  one of the guys is on holiday all weeek, one guy seems to be perpetually on break and t'other guy seems to only be at his desk when i'm working on something else.
and the really crappy thing is that the answers to the questions i ask (when i do get answers) seem to be for totally irrelevant questions.
pure awesome.  at least the dude that needs these reports is on holiday this week - thereby extending my deadlines by another three days.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

not in here buddy, this is a Mercedes

what happens when celebrities are too washed up for reality shows?

they go on nature shows! just ask our good pal Johnny Rotten! though i will admit to having watched the entire episode of John Lydon's MegaBugs that was on earlier.

but instead, i will watch Spaceballs in all it's glory. i might have to say it was Mel Brooks' last great film, but i suppose in his defence he may want to retire and all - but what happened to greats like Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein and History of the World Part 1? I suppose you only get a certain amount of good ideas - and you take those good ideas and run with them.

i guess i shouldn't talk though. the best idea i could come up with for making money is pimping out someone else's t-shirt site.

Friday, February 10, 2006

hot coffee action !!!

just an example of the many thousands of varieties of coffee and tea that await me at work. stay away from the hot chocolate though, it tastes kind of like floor. even if you put the "Capuccino Creamy Topping" in it. floor-like glory there (that's why there's the box of Carnation hot chocolate on top of the coffee machine).

and how much ass is kicked by Google products? i just discovered today that i can log into GoogleTalk right from within Gmail. that kicks 5 monkey asses. or maybe even a 5-assed monkey (a four-assed monkey will do if you can't find one with 5). it's like they keep inventing cool stuff, and all the rest of the email companies go "I know, i'll just add more banner ads and spam! people will like that."

i've been noticing that the more i delay on buying a car, the more extra features i keep needing. like somehow i went from wanting a base-model Corolla to wanting the special edition version with the moon roof, power everything, alloy wheels, keyless entry.... last time i bought a car i literally had a couple of days to make a decision so i just got the first thing that came to mind, now i'm all concerned about luxury and resale value and shit. i'm turning into a yuppy. if i somehow end up buying a Volkswagen out of this, someone please put me out of my misery.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

our own personal dishwasher

over the last few weeks at my new place of employment, i've noticed a near startling disability in the majority of my coworkers.  it appears not a single one of them knows how to wash their lunch dishes or coffee mugs.  generally this will result in the temporary theft of mugs, bowls, plates and cutlery from the dish drying rack beside the sink in the kitchen at the office (including the stuff that i wash, meaning that i often have to wash my dishes twice before the end of a given day).  and by the end of the day there's usually quite a massive pile of dishes in the sink.
this morning i noticed that it's not the employees that decide they've had enough and need to clean the room where they eat and store their food - apparantly we have a cleaning lady who comes in and washes all the dishes a couple times a day.  go figure - if i'd known this earlier i would have been leaving my dishes every day.
who am i kidding, i'm way too paranoid about other people touching my dishes to have someone else clean them.  they might leave icky fingerprints and goop on my mug.

Monday, February 06, 2006

whoring myself out for the urbanite

see, i have a predicament. i *really* want to buy this bike, but it costs like $900 the way i want it set up - so this is where the internet comes in. the wonderful glorious internet. to anyone reading this, you can do wonderful things to help me reach my goal without even having to leave your seats.

** text removed **. and you don't even need to buy anything.

but if you DID want to buy something... why not buy a t-shirt. every time you buy a t-shirt from tshirthell.com by clicking on one of my links, i get a small commission. personally, i'm a fan of this shirt here. so if you were considering buying one of their shirts, do it here and help a welfare bum out.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

gotta know when to hold 'em

today i had a flash of brilliance - the type of brilliance that can only be compared to the creation of jello and sea monkeys. i thought to myself "hmmm, it's sunday afternoon - and the superbowl is today, i should go get my oil changed. every idiot-male should be at home parked in front of his television, rather than at Canadian Tire doing responsible shit."

apparantly, i wasn't the only one who got this idea.

i approached the counter and spoke to the teenage lad with the paper-think moustache and spoke. "how soon can i get in to get my oil changed?" i says. "We're booked all day sir, i'm sorry" was his lame reply.

"bastard. you can fuck off and die - and don't call me sir you pig fucker" i said to myself.

"alright, thanks" is what i said out loud. no need to make a scene.

but now that it's almost six, and football hell is aboot to begin, i shall put in a movie. The Shining is on A&E tonight, but i do have a copy of The Corpse Bride on DVD that i haven't watched yet...

Friday, February 03, 2006

your mama said packin' lines is sin

how screwed up are the censorship laws in our country that a radio station can play a song that's entirely dedicated to cocaine, but they censor the word fuck?  that comes aboot a thousand miles from making any sense at all.  seriously, it's as if they seem to think "hey, we can play a song that's all about doing drugs, wanting to do more drugs and loving every minute of every line of coke, but they can't say the word FUCK on the radio, that will warp our children's frail little minds."
and can i just sleep until the superbowl is over?  i don't really care aboot football (american or real football), and i don't care aboot the Rolling Stones or their deal with satan for immortality, and i especially don't care aboot the commercials.  i have no interest in the fact that it costs $2.5 million for a 30 second commercial spot, i don't care that companies make commercials specifically for the superbowl that may never get seen again.  you could do away with commercials entirely and i'd probably end up leading a happier tv watching life.  but to everyone who has a radio show - i don't want to hear about who you think should win, i want to hear MUSIC.
and to the classic rock station - you don't NEED to play Led Zepplin every 15 minutes, followed by a Steppenwolf track, followed by an Aerosmith track, followed by a Led Zepplin track, etc...  there's plenty of other classic rock to choose from (and i don't mean Sammy Hagar-era Van Halen).
and you, in the black bmw 323i - don't try to cut me off and then honk at me for not letting you in.  you see, it doesn't really matter that you drive a german "luxury" car (but can't really afford one - thus the 3- series BMW) or that you wear a tie - you go ahead and give yourself a heart attack trying to get past me and my sub-compact hatchback because i'm not letting you in.
sorry, i'm done now.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

there's an earthquake under MY CHAIR

if at any point you were curious about wether or not there was an earthquake just a moment ago - there probably was. and you can verify online...


maye that rumbling wasn't because you had too much chili...

you've always got time

in Canada, the people this great nation are suffering from a horrendous disease.  an epidemic one might even say.  this dreadful illness has gripped a large portion of the population and continues to grow with unparallelled strength and vigor.
i'm talking aboot Tim Horton's.
it is a serious disease, one that doctors tend to overlook because even they THEMSELVES are victims to it's vile symptoms.
what symptoms?  well how about the devastating need for cheap coffee?  the fierce addiction to line your car up at an already packed drive-thru so that you can spend an extra ten minutes waiting for this cheap coffee rather than get your arse out of the car and spend two minutes in line inside the coffee shop?  how about the horrific disorder that causes you to line your cars up in the street for a chance to get into the parking lot/drive-thru of the coffee dispenser of hades - blocking the steady flow of commuter traffic that is, as of yet, unaffected by this disease?
i think that last symptom is one that inadvertently sucks more people into its clutches.  you get stuck in this line-up of cars without knowing the reason behind it and wait patiently as you inch forward in traffic.  you sit there, waiting.  you turn on 680 news and listen to find out the details of the accident, but Darryl Dahmer speaks only of traffic problems on the highway, a beer truck has rolled over and crushed a small car, and nothing about this in-town delay.  suddenly, you view the sign - the majestic Tim Horton's logo stares at you and speaks to you.  "You need a coffee and a donut to start your work day."
and another unsuspecting soul is sucked in.  an addiction has now been created, $1.40 has now been lost to the forces of evil.