Tuesday, February 28, 2006
the top notch of the block cuz i carry a glock
Monday, February 27, 2006
eau de toilet
boot in the ass for a slap in the ass
Saturday, February 25, 2006
if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball
i realized recently that anyone who has ever enjoyed a Ben Stiller movie MUST watch Dodgeball. Aside from featuring some of the most ridiculous jokes and humour in bad taste, some of the celebrity cameos are just golden - William Shatner, Chuck Norris, and the dude that played Booger in Revenge of the Nerds. and i'm pretty sure that any movie that gives that guy a chance has GOT to be good (okay, i have been known to be wrong, but trust me this time).
and you know what's really disgusting? the sound of two cats eating a bowl of wet-food. sometime you should feed your cat some wet-food and make sure there isn't any other noise interfering and just listen. it's almost like some sort of creepy slimy horror movie sound effect. like in a movie about some weird alien creatures (cats) that feed on human brains (i'm pretty sure that's what wet-food really is).
Friday, February 24, 2006
i'm part of the problem
seems like i'm getting tons of click throughs for my t-shirt idea, but nobody's actually buying quite yet. personally, i'm a big fan of this one...
this is one that i always wanted to wear into an executive meeting at my old company. i think some of the executives might have agreed with it - maybe that's why they laid me off.
somebody in my office has been coughing for literally 4 minutes straight - no joke, i've been counting. and it's one of those "i'm choking on my coffee" type coughs. you know the one, you're in the middle of talking to somebody and start coughing, your eyes start watering, your face turns red - and rather than trying to make yourself not cough, you sit there trying depsparately trying to finish your sentence before that brilliant thought, the one that was so awesome it made you forget how to swallow, disappears from your mind.
i found out at the last minute that three of my assignments can't actually be completed because, yet again, i have to wait for someone else to make changes to the database structure. the really difficult thing about needing to wait for someone else is that in this company i'm working for, everyone is so relaxed. i'm still on my old company's schedule of "why wasn't this finished yesterday?" i'm not used to the idea of saying "i'm not sure how long it will take, give me a couple of days to get back to you." i'm sure i can get used to it though.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
it was like Godzilla vs. Mothra motherfucker
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
if the women don't find you hansome, they should at least find you handy
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
is it just me, or does anyone else think the idea of a 62 year old lady giving birth is a little bit ridiculous and disgusting?
my major problem with the whole thing is that when you do the math by the time that child is thinking about college his mother is going to be 80 (assuming, of course she's still alive and spitting out kids like a mutant senior citizen). i'm gonna put money on her not seeing 70 roll around. having kids in your 60s can't exactly be good for your health. it's not supposed to happen. that's why nature generally prevents the human body from being able to reproduce beyond a certain age.
oh, and i love the picture eh? just that spaced out "duuuuuhhhhh, did i just have a kid?" look. great job camera-dude. you know the right time to push that button.
Monday, February 20, 2006
dolphins are stupid
apparantly dolphins aren't as smart as you think. reminds me of an old episode of South Park ... "you shouldn't have done your paper on dolphins, dolphins are stupid."
Friday, February 17, 2006
strange things are afoot in Germany
Thursday, February 16, 2006
someone drank my apple juice
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
a day of discovery
- that eating crunchy food with your headphones on makes the crunching noise REALLY loud in your head
- that you can only do so much to finish the tasks you're working on when other people haven't done the work you need them to do
- that many people will buy a pre-made pie from the grocery store, heat it in the oven and claim they "baked a pie"
- that people will choke down this awful pie and praise the person who "baked" it as an amazing chef
Monday, February 13, 2006
lesson one - work when other people are working
Sunday, February 12, 2006
not in here buddy, this is a Mercedes
what happens when celebrities are too washed up for reality shows?
they go on nature shows! just ask our good pal Johnny Rotten! though i will admit to having watched the entire episode of John Lydon's MegaBugs that was on earlier.
but instead, i will watch Spaceballs in all it's glory. i might have to say it was Mel Brooks' last great film, but i suppose in his defence he may want to retire and all - but what happened to greats like Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein and History of the World Part 1? I suppose you only get a certain amount of good ideas - and you take those good ideas and run with them.
i guess i shouldn't talk though. the best idea i could come up with for making money is pimping out someone else's t-shirt site.
Friday, February 10, 2006
hot coffee action !!!
just an example of the many thousands of varieties of coffee and tea that await me at work. stay away from the hot chocolate though, it tastes kind of like floor. even if you put the "Capuccino Creamy Topping" in it. floor-like glory there (that's why there's the box of Carnation hot chocolate on top of the coffee machine).
and how much ass is kicked by Google products? i just discovered today that i can log into GoogleTalk right from within Gmail. that kicks 5 monkey asses. or maybe even a 5-assed monkey (a four-assed monkey will do if you can't find one with 5). it's like they keep inventing cool stuff, and all the rest of the email companies go "I know, i'll just add more banner ads and spam! people will like that."
i've been noticing that the more i delay on buying a car, the more extra features i keep needing. like somehow i went from wanting a base-model Corolla to wanting the special edition version with the moon roof, power everything, alloy wheels, keyless entry.... last time i bought a car i literally had a couple of days to make a decision so i just got the first thing that came to mind, now i'm all concerned about luxury and resale value and shit. i'm turning into a yuppy. if i somehow end up buying a Volkswagen out of this, someone please put me out of my misery.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
our own personal dishwasher
Monday, February 06, 2006
whoring myself out for the urbanite
see, i have a predicament. i *really* want to buy this bike, but it costs like $900 the way i want it set up - so this is where the internet comes in. the wonderful glorious internet. to anyone reading this, you can do wonderful things to help me reach my goal without even having to leave your seats.
** text removed **. and you don't even need to buy anything.
but if you DID want to buy something... why not buy a t-shirt. every time you buy a t-shirt from tshirthell.com by clicking on one of my links, i get a small commission. personally, i'm a fan of this shirt here. so if you were considering buying one of their shirts, do it here and help a welfare bum out.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
gotta know when to hold 'em
today i had a flash of brilliance - the type of brilliance that can only be compared to the creation of jello and sea monkeys. i thought to myself "hmmm, it's sunday afternoon - and the superbowl is today, i should go get my oil changed. every idiot-male should be at home parked in front of his television, rather than at Canadian Tire doing responsible shit."
apparantly, i wasn't the only one who got this idea.
i approached the counter and spoke to the teenage lad with the paper-think moustache and spoke. "how soon can i get in to get my oil changed?" i says. "We're booked all day sir, i'm sorry" was his lame reply.
"bastard. you can fuck off and die - and don't call me sir you pig fucker" i said to myself.
"alright, thanks" is what i said out loud. no need to make a scene.
but now that it's almost six, and football hell is aboot to begin, i shall put in a movie. The Shining is on A&E tonight, but i do have a copy of The Corpse Bride on DVD that i haven't watched yet...
Friday, February 03, 2006
your mama said packin' lines is sin
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
there's an earthquake under MY CHAIR
if at any point you were curious about wether or not there was an earthquake just a moment ago - there probably was. and you can verify online...
maye that rumbling wasn't because you had too much chili...