welfare bum

Successfully missing the point since 1977.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

does the King of Spoons mean anything to you mofo?

i've found that i have a bad habit.

i mean a bad habit other than leaving my underwear on the floor all the time.

i've just noticed it this morning actually while rifling through the cutlery drawer. you see, i take milk in my coffee. and after i put the milk in my coffee i stir it with a spoon.

and promptly throw the spoon in the sink of dirty dishes (another bad habit - but i'll get more into that another day).

so looking through the cutlery for a clean spoon with which to stir my coffee yielded no positive results. the only thing it yielded was a kick in the ass to try to stop throwing my coffee spoon in the sink after a quick stir of a single cup of coffee when i know full well that it will be followed by at least one, if not two more.

and has anyone seen a picture of the guys in INXS lately? i was over at the pharmacy t'other day and noticed that the one guy has a moustache and goatee that looks like it was drawn on with a maker. and what's with those guys still playing? don't they get the point - the singer died. you have 1 chance to replace your singer and if that doesn't work you're supposed to call it quits. and getting dudes like Terrance Trent D'arby does NOT make you any cooler. if you need more examples just look at Van Halen. David Lee Roth leaves/gets kicked out - they replace with Sammy Hagar. Sammy gets canned, along comes Gary Cherone (who should come up in the google search for miserable failure). one horrible album later, they boot his ass out and go back to Sammy Hagar and release a couple of Greatest Hits albums - both of which show no trace of Cherone at all (thank fucking god). Van Halen made the mistake of a third lead singer but at least they got wise and tried to cover it up.

but you know who really needs to come back? Weird Al Yankovic. but not with the note-for-note parodies that he's become famous for, he needs to come back with the accordian-drenched polka spoofs that were so prominent only on his first album. i think that right now people's tolerance for parody music is pretty low - but man, that polka stuff would shoot it back to the top of the charts with a vengance.

and i know all of this because it is sunday and my cat is retarded.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

burninating the countryside

damn, i just realized that today's little bicycle excursion managed to get me sunburned.

it's April.

and it was 15 degrees today.

do you think this is some sort of sign that perhaps the gaping holes in the ozone layer are fact rather than fiction?

i promised, so now i guess i gotta

sooooo, i finally got my bike.

what bike you ask? the Trek 7.3 FX bike i mentioned earlier.

and i quite like it. it's kind of odd because i've never ridden a bike with an aluminum frame - and what they say is true, there is a lot of vibration from an aluminum frame.

not good vibrations a la Beach Boys, but the kind that make you think "i shoulda bought cycling gloves too."

but it's fast. way faster than my old crummy bike.

and now that i have a new bike and new car i'm going to have to find some other expensive item to fixate myself on and beg the internet to give me money for...

iPod maybe? a new sofa? every season of south park on DVD?

we'll have to see.

Friday, April 28, 2006

e-vil mail

today, my email has reached satanic proportions...

Thursday, April 27, 2006

sweaty bollocks

even with a new car a 90+ minute drive to work in the morning still sucks.  i fully intended to get to work early today but the commuter gods were totally against me for having taken the day off yesterday.

so i stopped and bought myself some coffee and cookies this morning.  because after 90 minutes of driving, the only work-appropriate thing to make your morning better is have cookies and coffee.

and i also have a tootsie-pop that requires me to eat of it.

i think that they should make tootsie-roll cookies now that i think of it.  seriously.  think of how awesome tootsie rolls are and think of how awesome cookies are.  now think of how awesome it would be to combine those things.


Wednesday, April 26, 2006

i know i said i'd stop

i know, i know, i promised - no more posts aboot the new car, but seriously. it rules. you know, you never realize how unsafe you feel in your crappy old car until you get a cushy nice new one. today was an insane one for driving though. i went to Port Hope today and realized that HOLY CRAP - the wind must have been blowing aboot 1000km/h. it was to the point where the big ass trucks were being affected.

i had almost forgotten what it was like to be in a small town though. the type of place where it doesn't matter who you are or where you come from, people smile at you and say hi to you on the street. hell, even the teenagers were pleasant. i wish that someone like me could get a job there, but unfortunately the IT industry doesn't thrive particularly well in towns of less than 4000 people. to tell you the truth, i'm not entirely sure what sort of industry (other than tourism) would support a town like that. farming i s'pose.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

rain makes people dumb

not even the astounding fun of a new car can change the fact that the majority of drivers out there get really retarded when it starts to rain.  for some reason, the idea of driving cautiously to respect the fact that the roads are wet somehow slips out of the minds of the average BMW/Volkswagen/Mercedes driver and makes them think it's alright to drive on the shoulder of a 12 lane highway to try to pass someone.

wait, maybe it's an optical illusion.  like somehow the windshields of some cars have some sort of defect that hasn't been recalled by the manufacturer that somehow blocks out other cars and wet pavement from their view.

that must be it.

Monday, April 24, 2006

shiny cars and superstars

okay, i'm gonna stop going on aboot how much my new arse-kicking Toyota Yaris is. i'm sure the whole world doesn't need for me to keep reaffirming that the car is both killer and awesome at the same time. i think the main indicator (aside from the last three updates being about my car) is that after checking my site meter i'm starting to get search results for Toyota Yaris.

so enough aboot that.

the only problem left for me to solve now is the idea of buying a bike. i think that what i'm gonna do is say forget it to buying the more expensive one for a couple of years and buy something that's still efficient but cost-effective that should last at least a few years. that'll save me a few hundred dollars AND get me riding something reliable (rather than crazy awesome) sometime soon. i'm digging the Trek 7.3 FX. the dude at the local shop said "good bike for your money, especially on a budget" - which i am. plus it comes in shiny orange.

so everybody, please buy some t-shirts. the more of that you do, the less y'all will have to hear me complain aboot not having a bike.

but man, is my new car ever cool.

Friday, April 21, 2006

blue, grey, what's the difference anyways?

so i now have a brand new Toyota Yaris sedan, but i ended up getting "Flint Mica" as the colour instead of "Pacific Blue Metallic." the sales guy mentioned that it could be several days to several weeks before getting the blue one.

and i needed a car now dammit.

so now i have a car that's loaded with extras. and the stereo is amazing. mp3 cd player that has enough bass in it to shake the windows.

yaris = more gooder.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

your yaris is showing

i'm literally counting down the hours until it's time.

what time?

time to pick up my new car (see above). in hopefully less than a day (depending on paper-work of course) i will be driving a 2007 Toyota Yaris in Pacific Blue Metallic. some may not be impressed by the acquisition of an entry-level automobile, but believe me - this is like driving a ferrari compared to what i'm used to.

and i'm getting all the good add-ons too - air conditioning, keyless entry, mp3 cd player, power windows, etc, etc. it's gonna rule the skool yo.

now if i can manage to hit big on that super 7 ticket tomorrow as well ($25 million dollars - i think that's about $9.27 american), i'll be having the near-perfect week.

and i say near-perfect because i've been taking the bus to work all week.

which sucks.

a lot.

but that's okay, because i'll have a kick-arse new car in no-time.

Monday, April 17, 2006


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Friday, April 14, 2006

it's not supposed to be in salad form

just out of curiosity, does anyone actually enjoy egg salad? like seriously, do people actually crave this monstrosity of a human invention? does anyone smell that fart-like smell it emits and think "man, i'm hungraw"?

i overheard someone in the elevator this morning saying "i'm just gonna grab an egg salad sandwich when i get there." hopefully, this choice was made because that's all that will be available when this person gets to their destination, because seriously - cak. the thought of having to eat egg salad brings to my mind the sound that cats make when they barf up a hair tube (by the way, i refuse to call them hairballs - they are never in ball shape, always in tube form).


Wednesday, April 12, 2006

they're on my cd player, my mug, my cell phone

there were apple stickers in my Pocky.

leg bags?

today i saw a woman walking in the rain.  she had an umbrella and a long coat, and something very odd.  she was wearing something that resembled leg-warmers, but as i approached her i realized they were made of plastic.

perhaps for keeping the rain off her legs?

i don't quite get it.  to me it's about a step away from wearing bags on your feet to keep them from getting wet.

Monday, April 10, 2006

caffeinated real estate in a pope-addicted blogosphere

once again back is the incredible...

well, incredible delays anyways.  i was given the assurance that last week's last minute delays, which turned into a massive workload, which turned back into delays again would be resolved by the time i got to work on monday.

well, some of the delays were resolved.  unfortunately none of those were relevant to my situation.  so here i sit, trying to work around these delays as much as is humanly possible.  the one thing that i feel bad aboot though is that this is affecting one of our clients.

well, whatever then eh?  what's corporate life without slacking and coffee breaks right?

a while back i signed up for blog explosion, hoping that it would bring more traffic to my site.  it does, but the catch is that if you're not willing to pay for it, you have to surf through the member blogs to get credits that lure unsuspecting people to your site and read for 30 seconds.  what i've noticed though is that the majority of the blogs that i run across are religious and prayer related blogs.  you know, the ones where they say stuff like "this dude doesn't suck jesus off, so he's going to hell - let's all spit on him."

okay, maybe they don't quite go THAT far, but pretty close.

and i wonder if these are the same people coming across my site.  it would certainly explain the lack of comments that have appeared on my profile.  more blasphemy and less hot-jesus-action than the average religious dude wants to look at i s'pose.

but right now the BeeGees are telling me they have Night Fever - which means that i should stop messing around and start working.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

we don't have jobs, so we just sit here waiting.

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Friday, April 07, 2006

it's your birfday

the last couple of days at work people have been extraordinarily awesome.  and by awesome i mean bringing in awesome stuff to eat.

for example:  monday someone brought in a cheesecake, tuesday someone brought in timbits, wednesday yielded no results, yesterday was chocolate cake and today was bagels.

and now totally off topic...

i've always wondered what it is about BMW's that make people that drive them bad drivers.  now this isn't to say that all people who don't drive BMW's are good drivers, it just means that the vast majority of drivers of these fine german luxury automobiles seem to think that because they spent more money on their car than i did, that somehow their ownership of the road is greater than mine.  i've often thought that there's some sort of airborne chemical that is released into the cabin that alters the structure of the brain of the drivers of these cars, making them see the road as a much more wide and empty place.  as if it were a race track, and they were the only car.

i suppose i got some gratitude this morning though when i saw one pulled over to the side of the road that had no back tires on it.  i'm not quite sure how that kind of thing would happen (maybe they fell off?  maybe he forgot them at home?), but it was nice to see.

today's nonsense brought to you by the mostly rock playlist

Thursday, April 06, 2006

yarn stack-in-ation

there's a mountain of Studioloo yarn on my desk. colours and softness galore.

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when it rains, it pours

so for ages now i've been complaining aboot not having much to do at work, having to set a much slower pace for myself so that i don't leave myself empty-handed.

well, that seems to have ended.

<dork shit>

it seems to me that several columns on very important tables in our applications database have been removed, requiring the redesign of several of our billing reports and the re-write of about a dozen important stored procedures.  the deadline to have items submitted to our quality team is tomorrow and my team only just learned aboot these changes today.

which is why i'm sitting here and typing aboot it rather than actually doing my work i s'pose.

so today's task is to haul some serious ass and get shite done.

</dork shit>

thank the gods that the coffee is free here.  i think that i will require much of the life-giving nectar today.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

i saw them at maple leaf gardens in '93

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super freakaaay

last week i was charged with the task of creating a musical masterpiece for the party of the century.

well, perhaps i exaggerate a bit.  i was asked to create a couple of cds of 70s music for a birthday party for a bunch of 9 and 10 year old kids.

well, the result was this.  roughly four and a half hours of disco, funk and soul.  all are powerless against it's funky death grip - even myself.  generally i would consider myself more of a hard-core metal, rock, rap kind of guy, but somehow this mix just lured me in.  i am helpless against it's funk and disco powers.

i've. got. ants. in. my. pants. and. need. to. dance.

help me out james brown.

Monday, April 03, 2006

why can't i figure this out?

man, everyone but me comes up with the good money making schemes. i mean seriously, this should have been my idea. even in a province that's had daylight savings time for many years, i'm sure it would be a pretty badass idea to go around from house to house fixing people's clocks to account for the time change.

and here i am in a cubicle just thinking aboot it. ** text removed here **.

work has turned back into the waiting game. seems like every time i get my hopes up about being able to do my job that something comes up and says "whoooooaaa boy, settle down, grab another cup o' coffee and chill yo' ass out."

wait a minute, did i just complain aboot not having enough work to do? man, i must be retarded. i thought i was trying to make money without working... maybe i'm already doing that.

what i did notice today though (and this has no relevance to anything) is that by wearing a red shirt you'll catch the attention of more people in the office. everyone has been cheerfully saying hi to me today, and a couple of people have commented that my new* shirt is quite nice.

and it's too hot in the office.

i'm inching ever closer to my goal of buying a kick-arse new bicycle though. despite my hefty tax bill, i've been managing to save a few bucks here and there to put aside for it so that i can get that awesome new bike (aboot which i seem to flip-flop almost daily as to which one i should get) and ride it to work a couple times a week. it would do it every day, but i'm out of shape and it's a 33 km ride.

* new = been sitting on a hanger for months because i've been too lazy to iron it until this morning.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

man i love sleepin

wish i could wake up so i could go back to sleep again...