welfare bum

Successfully missing the point since 1977.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

well well well

apparantly it was entirely necessary to knock over my carefully placed stack of papers and cds so that he could sit on my foot.

some cool things aboot my new job:

  • my new office building is beside a bubble gum factory
  • my boss is a total hippy and encourages things like wearing jeans and being comfortable at work
  • i start monday - which means that a) i'm going to start getting paid soon and b) i still have 4 days off before i start

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emproyment oppotunities

so the jobless reign has come to an end. i managed to find myself a new job (much faster than expected as well) in the same area where i was working before.and the really great thing is that there's a river right next to the building.

perfect place to hide the bodies. Posted by Picasa

Friday, November 25, 2005

Kookie, lend me your comb

i woke up with a start. there was a large truck or something driving past, honking wildly at what i could only imagine was an old lady that had fallen in the road, or perhaps a plastic bag fluttering by the windshield. plastic bags have caused several devastating accidents in recent times, you know.

i stumbled out of bed and headed absently towards the shower as weekday mornings lead me to do. "it is a weekday morning isn't it?" i thought to myself as i passed by a mirror that was hanging on the wall. stopping for a brief glance, i pondered as to wether i had seen this mirror before, and had it seen me? what an odd position for a mirror - the wall of a bathroom. then something caught my eye. a sight which had never truly caught my eye before. a glorious vision seen only by people in starving countries envisioning the vision of the virgin mary in their flatbreads or jesus in their water glasses.

my hair was perfect.

it was almost as if someone broke into my house with some movie-quality salon equipment. perfectly shaped, almost molded. it was a hair-do of which elvis would have even been jealous. "fate is on my side today," was the thought rushing into my mind. "is there some sort of way i can get out of my pyjamas and get dressed without disturbing this act of god?"

i woke up with a start. there was a large truck or something driving past, honking wildly at what i could only imagine was an old lady that had fallen in the road, or perhaps a plastic bag fluttering by the windshield. plastic bags have caused several devastating accidents in recent times, you know. I looked into the mirror and thought to myself, "my hair's a complete mess!"

it was all a dream.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

a cup fit for the man of steel

today i made a cup of coffee

but it was no ordinary cup of coffee, it was the best cup of coffee i've made in my unemployed life. a coffee fit for the pope.

well, maybe not the new pope. i've heard he can be pretty cranky about his coffee in the morning. someone told me once that he threw one of his advisors out the window onto a flag-post rectum first for making a bad cup of coffee only to realize that he had made a mistake and picked up the wrong cup. but the old pope, he liked my coffee. he used to fly in secretly in the back of a WestJet flight wearing some of the nastiest pyjamas i've ever seen a pope wear. old green flannel PJ's for JPII. you know the type - the ones that had been through the washer one too many times and were starting to get a little translucent.

crazy sense of humour though, that one. i'd never heard so many jokes about Ghandi and Mother Theresa until i met him, but man did he love a good cup of coffee. Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

accident my nuts

it says... "Police accidentally hit a naked man in the genitals with a Taser after he was caught breaking windows and asking women to touch him, authorities said."

honestly, i'm pretty sure that they were aiming for it. i would have.

general nonsense and major stupidity

today i rediscovered the goodness of the spaghetti sandwich. butter the outside of your bread, place in sandwich press, place spaghetti in between slices, add cheese, cook till awesome.

today i also discovered that in the latest punisher movie - the punisher's wife was princess daisy in Super Mario Brothers - The Movie.

i discovered that in a movie - even though they only load a double-barreled shotgun with two bullets, sometimes as many as six to seven shots can be fired before they need to reload.

i discovered that not hearing back from a prospetive employer is less aggravating than hearing from them that you didn't get the position you applied for.

and i discovered that my cat will do her best to sit whereever it might inconvenience me.

Monday, November 21, 2005

as your lawyer i advise you to take some pills out of the blue bottle

so i went to the grocery store on my bike. no big deal, i've done it tons of times. this time, however, i was foolish enough to think that I was only going to get a couple of things.

this never works.

and it especially doesn't work when you buy a bunch of stuff, get back to your bike and realize that you don't have enough room to fit it all in your back pack - the small one you chose because the cat was sitting in the other one.

people with bags of groceries hanging from their handlebars look like goofs. sadly, i was one of these people.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

a haiku called "mmat's an ijit"

man, i just got burned
fucking god damn frying pan
cooks good food and arms

i'll have the biggest mansion in mansionland

can't say i wasn't surprised...

Saturday, November 19, 2005

head chopping fun

does the fact that i somewhat enjoyed the Last Samurai mean i'm retarded? i mean, it's no Lone Wolf and Cub, but i did find it somewhat enjoyable. i think that my standards for movie quality are unusually low though. any movie where more than one person loses a head tends to rank pretty high on my quality meter.

it could have something to do with the whole lack of employment factor though. spending 8-10 hours a day looking for work tends to drain a certain amount of your brainpower out. i have found myself spending too much time working on unnecessary projects. for example, i have turned my home PC into my new testing web server, for which i have created a low-end blog and guestbook software.

i think that the rest of the day will be spent watching movies and eating popcorn.

mmmm... popcorn

Friday, November 18, 2005

strange but not a stranger

today there was a fire alarm at my building. two fire trucks pulled up, unloading somewhere between 15 and 20 firefighters armed with axes, hoses and air tanks. i decided when i heard the fire alarm go off that i would grab my camera and sneak a few pictures in. the crappy thing is that they didn't seem to really want to have their pictures taken, but i suppose that's all good because despite the fact that this was only a false alarm as a result of an equipment malfunction they still mean business. all of the "just in case" type checks to make sure that the building's not going to explode or something.

the really funny thing about all of this is that i overheard more than one firefighter AND the building manager mention that "this doesn't happen too often" and "this building doesn't generate many calls" - now i hope that was all in sarcasm. i've lived here for aboot two years and in that time frame i would say that there's been at least 20 false alarms. probably more, cuz now that i think aboot it i remember a night where there were seven false alarms just in that single night.

long story short, here's more firetruck pics...

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okay, this is SO not cool.

actually, it's quite cold. i didn't really intend for the bad pun there but i figured HEY - i don't put enough bad puns into everyone's life, so maybe i should start today.

but there was snow on the ground this morning. not a lot of snow, but snow all the same. and it's farking cold. why is it that i choose to live in canada?

Thursday, November 17, 2005

will code for food

i love some of the crazy quirks that parents get when their kids are being little arseholes. i see things like this and think that the kid is most definitely going to learn the right lesson here and start paying attention in school.

either that or she will find too much joy in begging and become a bum.

original story here.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

chuck norris busted my ab flex

there's thirty things you should know about chuck norris. they are all listed here...


Tuesday, November 15, 2005

dork tron

who puts this on the side of a volkswagen diesel? it's like he got the letters from the Office Depot and stuck them on himself. Posted by Picasa

too much information - the bank vs. me

me: "hi, yeah, i can't seem to access my account right now.  i was just at the grocery store and i can't seem to buy groceries right now and i'm kind of hungry"

the bank: "i'm sorry sir, we're having a system-wide outage that's preventing our debit systems from accessing account balances, so the debit system gets a 0 balance returned and declines the transaction.  our technical teams are currently aware of the situation and expect resolution within 1-2 business hours.  do you have any other questions today?"

um, no.

Monday, November 14, 2005

show how you make it smoke a cancer stick

i'm not big on the whole smoking thing. i mean i've smoked before, and over the years have since discovered that it causes cancer and horrible body odour - thereby making it overly unappealing in my opinion.

but even then, i think this is a bit much.

altering the script of a play to accomodate someone in the audience who shouted "Put out that cigarette" - definitely more than what's required there.

but then again i suppose one could ask the question why would they have written in the cigarette to begin with?

valhalla and beyond

somehow i don't think i have enough suits that revolve around viking helmets (by the way, that's not me).

my cat has been meowing constantly for close to an hour now. not for any reason in particular mind you, just because he's a pain in the arse. i gigantic fluffy orange pain in the arse.

i figure i've been going aboot my job search all wrong. you see, all this time i've been looking for someone to pay me to do things when i really should be looking for someone to pay me to do nothing. i wonder if i'm quite at that point in my career yet... i've not had any executive level job titles yet. pretty much the highest i've gotten so far is a Manager designation which i suppose can get me started in the "doing nothing" portion of my career. i mean, most managers don't really do anything right? maybe that's what's wrong with my resume - under the manager section i need to be putting more corporate buzz terms like "delegate" and "leverage" and "costing".

on a positive note, my iTunes playlist is pushing 10 hours of music which means that i don't have to spend much of my day trying to find something different to listen to.

Sunday, November 13, 2005


it always is you know Posted by Picasa

Friday, November 11, 2005

the new technology

despite having kind of a shitty camera, i still dig the way this picture turned out. i can't take credit for the idea though, i saw it somewhere before (though i can't remember where - it was on flickr though). Posted by Picasa

so what?

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Thursday, November 10, 2005

you'll notice hair growing in places where there was no hair before

many people in the world own many pets. cats, dogs, hamsters, gerbils, squirrels, cacti. i have two cats. one is white and is a total pain in the ass, the other is a gigantic ball of orange fluff. he purrs with extraordinary volume and emphasis when you pet or brush him, and when you don't he wines.

you may notice that the pet you have probably sheds it's fur (unless of course it doesn't have any, in which case you are extraordinarily fortunate). my gigantic ball of orange fluff sheds his fur to the point where i brush him pretty much every day to try to reduce it.

it does nothing.

below you will find a photo of today's brushing session. the car keys are thrown in to show the proportion. this is every day.

and after i was done brushing, he rubbed up against my black shirt and left a mass of orange fluffy fur almost as extravagant as the photo. Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


when it's foggy, my camera seems to make things look green Posted by Picasa

who will pork my pork and beans?

a couple of hours ago i opened the dishwasher. only just now have i discovered the fact that dishwashers apparantly DO NOT empty themselves. when was somebody going to tell me this? all the time that i've spent around dishwashers, putting dishes in them, putting soap in them and only just now do i find out that i have to take the dishes out afterwards? what a world... Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

an old lady with a walker and a dirty old man...

today in celebration of my newfound lack of employment i decided to go to the dirt mall for a reduction of brain cell count. as i was walking through the food court i saw a little old (probably around eight or nine hundred) lady with busted-ass walker and a hunched over old man talking to her when the old lady pipes up "i'll see you in hell" and casually walked (read: hobbled) away. it was almost as if that was their standard departure message. you know, how most people say "good bye" or "see you later" - this old lady says "i'll see you in hell".

i think i'm going to take lessons from her and start using that expression a little more often. just in casual greetings and whot-not. "hey, how's it going? i'll see you in hell..."

i think it'll catch on.

Monday, November 07, 2005

everything's fine and i'm having a great day...

today i set a new record - shortest amount of time to spill coffee on a keyboard in a corporate environment.

from what i understand, the previous record was in the area of 12 seconds after sitting down, but today i made the incredible spill of 4 seconds BEFORE i sat down.

how much do i rule?

Sunday, November 06, 2005

queen of the mountain

puckle seems to think she's tough. Posted by Picasa

curry and fried onions are not my friends

i think i'm in hate with my neighbours.

i'm not entirely sure which neighbours are the ones that i hate, but i hate them just the same.  for a good portion of the day there has been this gawdawful smell of curry and onions.  all morning long.  and i can't comprehend why anyone would want to cook, eat or even smell those smells at 8 o'clock on a sunday morning.

think maybe i'll leave a bag of cat litter outside their door.

Friday, November 04, 2005

this town needs an enema

i think that one of the things that cracks me up aboot the joker is that he laughs histerically at the jokes he tells.

what am i saying, that word should not be pluralized - that should read "the joke he tells."

i realized last night as i went out to grab a sub for dinner that i should carry my camera around with me AT ALL TIMES, because then i would have had some good fodder for Inappropriately Dressed.  there was this naaasty broad with one of the worst tanning bed/lotion tans, a shirt (i believe women call them tops) that barely went below her bra and nasty white track pants and a gold chain around her guttal area.  one of the really funny things was trying to watch her walk on the heels that were obviously too much of a complex thought process for her to manage, or the cell phone conversation she was having... "yeah, i still have to go downtown to get my nails done."

nasty enough to make a grown man gag.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils AT Medieval Times

there was a huge cable outage in my neighbourhood yesterday and today, so i had to wait for the cable guy to come.

i don't care what anyone says. that movie ruled my school. jim carrey played what could pretty much be defined as the perfect psychopath.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


seals bite back

seals are apparantly no longer the cute and cuddly animals unsuspecting humans thought they were.  apparantly after years of catching fish in circuses and being clubbed by fisherman, seals are now biting back .  this perhaps may be a sign to people to leave well enough alone.

horrorscopoes with frightening accuracy

Virgo August 23 - September 22

You know it's not truly over until the fat lady sings, but my God, the enormous bitch is taking forever.

they must be able to hear that guy sitting behind me, telling that lame ass butt-fucking joke every time he answers the phone